Episode 9: Tear Gas and Dichotomous Escapes

I shot this last week while house-sitting for my in-laws on their farm. ⁣⁣⁣
My partner needed some time without the kids around to put flooring in our attic so we can use that space now that we’re welcoming another human into our home. ⁣⁣⁣
Our little 100 yr old house, that always feels too small for our growing family, ⁣⁣⁣
the financial obligations of which often overwhelm us, ⁣⁣⁣
especially now, ⁣⁣⁣
but that we feel so incredibly grateful to have. ⁣⁣⁣
For now.⁣⁣⁣

Anyway, I was alone with the kids and the animals and chickens and chores and unknowns of a large farmhouse that isn’t mine for two days, ⁣⁣⁣
soaking in the sunshine ⁣⁣⁣
and beauty around me, ⁣⁣⁣
trying to still get work done with limited internet, ⁣⁣⁣
trying not to become overwhelmed ⁣⁣⁣
with the sounds and needs of my children ⁣demanding my attention ⁣⁣⁣
ALL THE TIME.⁣ ⁣⁣

We decided to stay an extra day, ⁣⁣
all sleeping in the guest room together, ⁣⁣
the kids excited for their “fort/floor bed” in the large walk-in closet, ⁣⁣
my partner and I slightly less excited to sleep in a bed smaller and less comfortable than our own at home. ⁣⁣

⁣⁣We didn’t stay for the quiet beauty (although it was there). ⁣⁣

⁣⁣We stayed because I was afraid of tear gas exposure and how it may affect my pregnancy and our unborn child. ⁣⁣
We live close to a police precinct that has been a site of recent protests and police violence, and we knew there was a large protest scheduled for that night. ⁣⁣

⁣We are not afraid of protestors. ⁣⁣

⁣We’ve interacted with those who have been pushed by police away from the precinct and into the neighborhoods and near our home. ⁣⁣

⁣We are friends with many of the brave and caring people who are showing up often, putting themselves in harms way to fight for the safety and equality of Black lives. ⁣⁣

⁣We are most fearful of those who are supposed to protect us. ⁣⁣

⁣We’re white so this feeling is new to us. We’re aware that this is not new to Black people and many POC. We recognize our privilege and are supporting in the ways that we can, behind the scenes. ⁣⁣

⁣We needed some things from home and my partner offered to take the kids back to our house to water our garden and plants and get a few things we needed. ⁣⁣

⁣I found myself alone. ⁣⁣
What used to be a common occurrence, ⁣⁣
before children,⁣⁣
has become a completely foreign feeling. ⁣⁣

⁣I felt troubled and comforted all at once, ⁣⁣
the perpetual dichotomies of fear and gratitude, ⁣⁣
frustration and hope, ⁣⁣
sadness and contentment, ⁣⁣
excitement and dread. ⁣⁣

⁣These conflicting feelings and sensations ⁣⁣
residing in my body is a constant these days, ⁣⁣
along with the movements and rhythms of this growing form inside me, ⁣⁣
reminding me to stay present, ⁣⁣
that this is all bigger than me ⁣⁣
and that I can exist within and without simultaneously. ⁣

#25weeks